What is the simplest way to ';get over'; feelings of jealousy and/or ill will toward's your fiance's ex-wife?

I have never met her in person, but have exchanged a few emails with her. He and I have been together for 4 of the 5 years they have been apart. They were married for 15 yrs. She is a part-time mother and it seems to be less and less time each week. He is very passive and does not like to make waves with anyone, so rarely speaks up when I mention a concern or ask that he talk to her about the time she spends with her children. He says if that's all the time she wants them, then so be it. Also, he and the kids still live in the family home, although we are looking for a new home to purchase before we get married. I do not feel ';at home'; when I'm at their house. I also don't feel comfortable being there when I know she is going to pick up or drop off the kids. It's a pretty big source of anxiety for me and I'm hoping someone out there has been in my shoes and can offer some advice. I know I need to ';get over it';, but that's easier said than done at this point.What is the simplest way to ';get over'; feelings of jealousy and/or ill will toward's your fiance's ex-wife?
Just remember that she is the ';ex';-wife. Every time you see her or think about her just think about the fact that your husband also thinks about her as his ';ex';-wife. If he still wanted her back then she wouldn't be the ex-wife, and because he just shrugs off your concerns about the kids he probably doesn't want to be around her any more then you do.What is the simplest way to ';get over'; feelings of jealousy and/or ill will toward's your fiance's ex-wife?
I am wondering if you believe it would be easier if your fiance were to be nasty about his ex? Or to confront her here and there about things so you will feel he is totally committed to you and the relationship you have now? It would not. Plus, while you may have concerns about the time she may or may not spend with her children, it is truly none of your business. Hard to accept, I know.


The fact is, if he and his ex do not fight, that is in the best interest of the children. Yes, they may not see her as often as they would like or you would like. I can understand why your fiance feels like not pushing that. Why would he want to send his beloved children with a parent who he had to try and force into seeing them? If she and the kids have fun when she does see them, that is better than being forced and bad feelings all around. This sounds like one divorce where there may be no fighting and it is working for everyone. Except you?


I think your feelings are probably your own insecurities. This is new territory for you and it would be uncomfy sometimes. You are entitled to feeling uncomfy at times. However, you and he are together, and in love, you should not feel strange when she comes to her ex home to pick up her children from her ex husband. I am sure she has moved on. He has.


You said your fiance is ';passive';. Is that something you can live with in your life? Perhaps it is gently his way of saying, I have it under control (his children).


Experts have stated that if a child is over the age of 4 when a step parent comes on the scene, that the step parent has not had a chance to bond with them when they were young, and thus are really not or should not be the disciplinarian and certainly not in the middle of a disput or decision two parents (even ex's) are making for their children. Unless it will directly affect you and then that is something you and your future husband must decide first. Do you really want to marry a man that has children already?


I am sorry if this sounds harsh, but I feel you are asking for truth and so I am saying what I believe the truth is. This will be your reality forever with step children. The issues that come with it, and feeling excluded at times because it really has nothing to do with you. The children who did not ask to be here, were here first. Your husband and his ex wife still have parenting duties to abide by together. Even though they are now apart. I believe it would be in your best interest, to bite your tongue and be helpful where ever you can. This includes meeting his ex wife. I wonder why you have not met her yet? It is very important to. No matter how much you may not like her, be nice, polite and supportive. Your husband will love you that much more. So will your soon to be step children. Good Luck!
You at least seem to know how silly you sound. That is a start. You are not what matters. The kids are. You also need to but out of how much time she spends with HER children. You were not there when they were made. You are going to have to deal with this women. You should probably get comfortable real quick if you are going to marry her ex-husband. Do not attack her mothering skills, it makes you seem more jelous than you have already admitted to being. GROW UP!!!
Well its a reality that she will always be some part of your life if you marry this man because of his children. You didn't know men with children came with ex-wives??? Hopefully when you get your own home part of that anxiety will go away. If he is not concerned with her ';mommy time';, why r you?....Do you now want his kids so much of the time?...It is not his responsibility to make her be a good mom...If he is a passive person,,,,then you are probally more of a controlling type (as was his ex probally). Your anxiety may be coming from the fact that you cant do anything to ';control'; the issues with he %26amp; his ex ...Let it go honey......Love him, love his kids, take care of them all.....Dont sweat the ex stuff.....Getting over it....sometimes is nothing more than us making a clear distinct decision , a choice, that we are going to let it go and find something else to worry about.
You obviously can't ';get over'; your feelings but you can use them to motivate positive changes in your life. If she is a lousy mom than you make up for it, you have the perfect what not to do manual!! Also try to understand that without this woman being a screw up you would have never met the man you are about to marry. Embrace this woman's warts, if she was perfect your problems would be much worse.
I find that if I pray for a person that I have negative feelings about; for their health, happiness and prosperity (even if I don't mean it) I vow to do it for two weeks and nine times out of ten by the end of the two weeks I am praying for more for them and no longer have ill feelings. Does it mean they become my freinds? no.. it means i come to accept them for who they are and where they are in life. i no longer allow them to have power in my life.
Wow, it is one of the stories I always want to avoid..*shrugs*.........why run after married men?
There is really nothing to do. She will be in your life as long as they share custody of the kids but finding a new home will help.